Getting to Know Benjiesluv

I am not perfect.  I am not even close.  I'm a mom and that is about as far as my identity goes these days.  My life consists of waking up, getting my oldest fed, clothed, and on the bus on time with a lunch and two snacks in tow as well as keeping my son sufficiently entertained simultaneously.  Many moms are in the same boat.  It sucks.  I'm not going to lie to you.  There are days that go more smoothly than others, but for the most part, they still suck.

I used to know what I wanted to do with my life.  I wanted to run my own B&B or learn to be a pastry chef or study culinary arts, but instead I took business administration and then moved to a part of Canada where the Spanish I learned as an American is not really all that useful.  I found it difficult to find work in a business field where French is the major language used.  I would get interviews and even get feedback that the company really liked me, but they always hired the other person that spoke French that they liked a little less.

I was lucky enough, through holding several different jobs, to find out that I don't enjoy managerial positions. So what good is my degree really?  I could be a glorified secretary...if I could speak French that is.  I just feel really lost as a person these days.  I don't feel like doing ANYTHING because it is ALL so mundane.  How many times can you do the dishes or sweep the same kitchen floor before you go insane?  I think my limit is 2...LOL...sob.

I find that my lack of motivation is directly derived from my lack of self.  If I just had a goal in life or something that I could really look forward to in the short term then maybe I'd see reason to keep going.  Today was one of those days where I could've just stayed in bed and never got up.  I just wanted to sleep and sleep and then, when I woke up, I just wanted to sleep some more.

I managed to muster up enough energy to properly bathe my children and read them several books instead of spending yet another evening in front of the television watching mindless episodes of SpongeBob or BubbleGuppies (what is with kids shows and underwater creatures?)  I guess that is a win.

I also managed to teach my kids about mummies in Ancient Egypt and how they were processed and entombed.  Very interesting stuff.  I had a great time teaching them and for a split second I thought, "Man, this is really cool.  I could totally home school my kids." Then they would fight over who got to click the mouse to activate the interactive brain scraping nose hook for the mummy and I'd snap right back to my lack of patience reality.

There are many little blessings that I need to stop and reflect on in my life every once in a while.  My kids are healthy, active, and inquisitive children that love singing, reading, and just being kids.  I have a spouse that is there for me when I need him most, even if I do have to give him step by step instructions on things sometimes.  He's willing to work with me to get stuff done and hasn't left me when the bad times turn worse.

It's hard to maintain positivity in life sometimes.  I find that my brain is forced to do thinking for 4 people at any given time, and while I'm at work that number can be even greater (another reason I don't like managerial positions).  I wish I could know with certainty that there would come a point where I no longer have to think for anyone but myself, however, I feel that the losses I would suffer for this to come to fruition would be far too great.  It would mean that all of my family was gone and I was left alone.  Not a great trade off if I do say so myself.

One time, when out at Starbucks with a group of ladies I know from church, my friend Sally offered up the question of, "When the kids are all grown up, and you don't have to worry so much about taking care of them, what would you like to do with your life?"  I had a really hard time answering this question.  I have always wanted to learn to be a chef, but would I want to go to school and take on more debt to do so? Not likely.

Sometimes I feel like I'm chronically lazy.  Like I just don't want to put effort into things so I don't even bother trying them.  On the other end of the spectrum, I have this tendency to go gung ho on something for a short burst and then give up on it.  Mother's day 2011, I made the decision that my husband was getting me Cake Decorating courses as my gift.  Yes, I had to decide what my own gift would be.  Anyway, I went to this course and enjoyed it quite well.  I had a great time and signed up for a fondant class next.  Also had a great time in that course too!  I think I spent well over $300 on equipment and such for these courses and then, when I started working on cakes, I found it to be too time consuming and too overwhelming. Lazy.

Fast forward to present day...

It's now October 23rd, 2012 and approximately 3 weeks from my youngest's 3rd birthday.  He is finally getting the hang of the potty training we've been working months on and is really showing great potential for learning.  He is a SMART boy!  I find myself really looking forward to him starting school next September, but at the same time, he's my baby...how come this time went by so quickly and I forgot to be in the moment?  Why?

My husband and I have been toying with the idea of having more children.  This happens everytime we know someone who has recently had a child or is currently pregnant.  I think my only saving grace is that I did NOT enjoy being pregnant.  I was an obese girl just getting bigger and my body was rebelling against everything.  I hated my life, my situation, and pretty much everything.  After having my second child I decided I was done having kids so I could lose the weight I'd been carrying for the 5 years prior.  I went all out and joined Weight Watchers.  I lost an amazing 83 lbs.!

Today, I am lucky to get through a day staying on plan and tracking all my points.  I have put on about 30 lbs. since I had hit goal at Weight Watchers and I have reverted back to emotional eating.  The worst part is that it's now become more cyclical emotional eating.  I eat cause I'm sad, angry, or stressed (which is pretty much all the time) and then because I do this binging (usually on sweets of some sort) I get more depressed and angry and it just makes me want to eat even more.

I have only 1 or 2 pairs of jeans that fit anymore and my size 10 pants are now back up to 14's.  I've tried "rebooting" several times and I usually will make it only about a week on track until something will mess it up.  Then I got it into my head that I should just get pregnant again since I'm already over weight again and then restart the cycle of being done having kids and losing weight.  Great idea right?  Well, luckily my head cleared up and I realized all the down sides of having another.

When talking with friends I've often said that I can list a number of reasons why I SHOULDN'T have more kids and maybe only 1 or 2 reasons why I SHOULD.  I guess I just feel in my heart that I'm not done even though my head says, "Why on EARTH would you want another one?!"  My good friend Bonnie gave me great advice when I talked these feelings out with her once.  She said, "Why not take a year for yourself?"  Best advice EVER!

Suddenly I have a short term goal.  I just have to make it until Sept. 2013 when Jake starts school.  I can do that.  Then I can focus on me.  I can get my weight back in control, go to the gym regularly without having to get babysitting, I can make cakes without the guilt of ignoring my kids all day to do so, and I could even pick up some extra work hours to be able to pay off some of my debt.  Finally, I will be able to take care of me.  Then I wonder, what if I do great taking care of me for like a month or so and then I get bored of me?  What then?  Maybe I will have figured out what I want to be "when I grow up" or maybe not.  It'd be nice for the house to be cleaned regularly, unless I get lazy and give up.  What if the kids being around isn't really the problem?  I'm afraid I'll find out it's just me.  That scares me!

I hope that I'm not alone in these feelings and I hope that my gut is wrong in thinking this way, but who knows?  This post is VERY lengthy and all over the place, and you know what?  I'm not going to even apologize for it 'cause that's exactly how my brain flowed.  Stream of conciousness??  More like puddle jumping in my head.  Until next time...