I'm not going to start this post off by saying, "Sorry I haven't posted in two days", but rather I'm going to say, "My life gets busy and I'm absent minded so just deal with it!"
Where the heck did this weekend go? Are you sure today isn't just a ruse or some government conspiracy? I'm pretty sure I don't remember having a Saturday this weekend. Oh wait, right, worked a 13 hour shift...that's why I missed it LOL.
Had a great and busy day at work Saturday selling lots of make up and accessory items and slowly watching our daily totals eek towards our goal. Made the minimum goal by the end of the night, but not nearly the goal we'd hoped for as our high end goal.
It was a little sad as there were some employees that were working their last shift and I likely won't see again until next year if they and/or I decide to return. It's always interesting how you get used to seeing people. Sometimes I wish I worked with a bunch of people that were boring just so I wouldn't miss them when they are all done. This weekend will be the hardest as it's my last shift and I likely won't see any of these "kids" any time soon.
I find it a bit refreshing to work with younger kids (mind you these "kids" are ranging from 15 - 25), but also a bit frustrating. You begin to think, "Was I really like that just 5-10 short years ago?" Then you think, "Oh My God...I was just actually able to say 5-10 years ago and it still doesn't cover high school!" LOL Life...you are so funny sometimes. I like to reminisce about when I was at that age and I didn't have any kids or major life commitments. I was attending university and staying up until all hours of the night just chit chatting with my friends. Heck...the thought of staying up past 11 these days is just too daunting for this old heart LOL.
I really do miss the freedom of not having kids. I miss not being able to forget about eating a meal without somebody whining the ever present "I'm Hungry" in my ear. I miss the spontaneity of life without kids. Not that I did a whole lot, but it was time for me. There is no me time any more. I miss not having to hide my "treats" from the kids and the ability to be who I am and say what I'm thinking without fear of little ears hearing and, God forbid, repeating! *sigh*
Let's not dwell on what I miss. I'll tell you what I love. I love being missed! I love big hugs and kisses and someone to love me no matter what. I love little concerned faces when mommy is having a nervous breakdown and crying in the middle of the living room. I love the hilarious things that my kids do. I love being surprised by what comes out of their mouths. I love gaining a new respect for all the things my mom did for me as a kid. I love hearing compliments from a school teacher and encouraging words from friends that I wouldn't have met without having my kids. I love being able to vent and bounce ideas off of other parents facing similar life circumstances. I love just being able to be present now.
Then lets not forget the things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for dirty laundry because it means my kids have clothes to wear. I'm thankful for dirty dishes because it means we have food to eat. There was a time in our life where we didn't have those things. We have had to rely on the food bank and the Christmas fund before. It takes a lot of humility to accept those services, and I've been thankful each year since that we haven't had to use them. I try my hardest to donate an item here or there to these services because I know what it's like. I've been there and I hope I don't have to go back.
Well...I'm off to be thankful for my laundry again so I'll write some more when this senile brain remembers too ;) Remember to take care of yourself today and find at least one thing you're thankful for!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Should be called "Fried"Day
Today started out just like every other week day. Up at 6:30 AM to hop in the shower. Oldest child is already up and complaining that she can't get the T.V. to turn on. I have a rule where she can watch T.V. til 7 IF she happens to wake up early. It's not a spoken rule, but it's just easier for me that way. That means I have until 7 to get my lazy butt out of bed.
Thankfully I had made chili last night so packing the lunch this morning was easy. Was feeling particularly mommy-like and decided to cut April's cheese squares into princess castle and fairy wand shapes. Haven't remembered to ask her if she noticed.
Threw a quick $5 in her gallon ziploc "mail bag" along with her walk-a-thon donation sheet with Mommy, Daddy, and brother Jake as her only gathered donations. Felt guilty sending her in with nothing. Pop in a load of laundry in the dryer while the child requested bagel was toasting away in the toaster oven. Then up to cream cheese 1/2 a bagel for April while handing the "bagel with nothing on it" to little brother Jake.
Then it's a gentle reminder to April to get dressed (this is usually accompanied by a threat to turn off the T.V. if focusing doesn't happen) and then out the door to wait in the cold for the bus. It's times like these that I'm thankful the hubster works from home 'cause it'd be twice as hard to get them both out the door. I'm sure this thankfulness will be 10 fold once the snow hits (and 100 fold if I can get him to take her out in the blizzards LOL).
Back home for a quick bite for me and then off to the local grocery store to pick up snack for an 8:40 play group. Today's play group started with a severe lack of coffee (should've gotten up just 5 min. earlier). Now don't get me wrong, I am super appreciative of the free coffee provided at play group, but it's just not the best coffee in the world. It provides caffeine and some days that's exactly what I need.
Exhausted? Well...you shouldn't be, play group hasn't even started yet.
After a rousing 20 minutes of keep the toddler boy entertained quietly while waiting for the 9 AM play group start time, we are corralled into the play group room and chaos ensues. It's always good to be able to chat with other moms at the play group, I, however, have a son that doesn't necessarily agree with that. Mr. Jake is a BUSY boy. He has the attention span of a gnat and has been known to emit similar annoying sounds LOL. I love my son to death, but sitting down for any length of time is a rarity with him.
Jake...be gentle near the babies.
Jake...don't dump that box of....
Jake...stop running.
Jake...no yelling.
Oh, and Jake...thank you for not pulling the fire alarm at play group today.
I thank God that it was a gorgeous day out today. After play group we had a few minutes to enjoy the play ground before it was off to the house for nap for Jake and volunteering at the Walk-a-thon for me.
Who would've thought that helping kids get their shoes on and putting stickers on paper sneakers would be so rewarding. It was an amazing time for me. I was able to hand out TONS of stickers as well as walk around the tennis courts with April. My favourite part? Seeing April interacting with a myriad of different kids and she was just so happy to be there.
Once you have a kid in school you realize that it's hard to let go. It's hard to not wonder every once in a while what it is they are doing at school, what friends they are making, and whether or not they are eating that lunch that you put together that morning. It was nice to have a glimpse into how she is getting along with others and how she interacts.
Second favourite part? Having April's teacher come up and say that she is so impressed with April. She said that April is such a great example for both kids in her own age group as well as kids older than her. She works really hard, loves to learn, is friends with pretty much everyone, and is really good at retaining information. This is really important to me and for more than one reason.
It reassures me that I'm not an awful parent and that I must be doing something right. Maybe it's all the T.V. I let them watch. Maybe it's just that I take an interest in my kids and I love them as best I can. I often get baulked at when I say that I don't feel that my child should be taken out of school for family vacations, but to me, school needs to be a priority. Spending time with family is great and I value family, but I also want to show my kids that their education is important too. I don't have a problem with people that do take their kids out, but it's just not my preference.
Walk-a-thon ended about 1:40 ish and then I had a lovely walk home. Walked in the door and started prepping for supper. 3:00 and the mandatory alarm on my phone reminding me that I have a kid to pick up started serenading me. Off to get April. Phone call comes in from work asking me to come in. Stressing out because there is just no way, and feeling guilty over not being able to help. Hate that because other people are calling in, I'm feeling stressed over something out of my control.
Back home to the kitchen to finish with making supper. Made 2 pots of this beef bean soup and a pot of chicken noodle soup. Felt quite accomplished.
Soup delivered to an ailing friend and then back to feed my kiddos.
One kid devouring dinner and one kid not...no surprises there. Well deserved treats handed out to kid that ate and early bed time for one that didn't.
Then it was time for some Mommy & Daughter time. April has been bugging me to paint her nails for about a month now and I always seem to forget about it. Well...we trimmed everyone's nails at bath time last night so she was not about to let me forget today. Four coats on 20 digits and one headache later, my little princess has her beautiful nails done and then it's time for bed. Well, almost. Kids in bed, but here I sit writing this post out when actually came to the computer to check my bus schedule for my annoyingly early start time of 8:45 tomorrow.
Don't know if I've said this yet (see, blogging like this only 3 days now and can't remember what I write...must be a mombie day), but I work at a Halloween store. Best and worst job ever. A little easier this year as I've learned not to sink my entire pay cheques back into costumes and a little harder because I've had to take on more than anticipated this year. We kind of have this running joke from the time of setting up in Sept. about whether or not it's November yet. Well...it's almost Nov. and I can honestly say I'm SO glad. Just ready to relax a little bit more and reassign that portion of my brain to deal with someone else's stuff.
Ok...I really need to be checking that bus schedule now so I will bid you adieu.
P.S. - May or may not be a post tomorrow as I'm working until 9:15 PM and won't be getting home til around 10.
Is it November yet?! LOL
Thankfully I had made chili last night so packing the lunch this morning was easy. Was feeling particularly mommy-like and decided to cut April's cheese squares into princess castle and fairy wand shapes. Haven't remembered to ask her if she noticed.
Threw a quick $5 in her gallon ziploc "mail bag" along with her walk-a-thon donation sheet with Mommy, Daddy, and brother Jake as her only gathered donations. Felt guilty sending her in with nothing. Pop in a load of laundry in the dryer while the child requested bagel was toasting away in the toaster oven. Then up to cream cheese 1/2 a bagel for April while handing the "bagel with nothing on it" to little brother Jake.
Then it's a gentle reminder to April to get dressed (this is usually accompanied by a threat to turn off the T.V. if focusing doesn't happen) and then out the door to wait in the cold for the bus. It's times like these that I'm thankful the hubster works from home 'cause it'd be twice as hard to get them both out the door. I'm sure this thankfulness will be 10 fold once the snow hits (and 100 fold if I can get him to take her out in the blizzards LOL).
Back home for a quick bite for me and then off to the local grocery store to pick up snack for an 8:40 play group. Today's play group started with a severe lack of coffee (should've gotten up just 5 min. earlier). Now don't get me wrong, I am super appreciative of the free coffee provided at play group, but it's just not the best coffee in the world. It provides caffeine and some days that's exactly what I need.
Exhausted? Well...you shouldn't be, play group hasn't even started yet.
After a rousing 20 minutes of keep the toddler boy entertained quietly while waiting for the 9 AM play group start time, we are corralled into the play group room and chaos ensues. It's always good to be able to chat with other moms at the play group, I, however, have a son that doesn't necessarily agree with that. Mr. Jake is a BUSY boy. He has the attention span of a gnat and has been known to emit similar annoying sounds LOL. I love my son to death, but sitting down for any length of time is a rarity with him.
Jake...be gentle near the babies.
Jake...don't dump that box of....
Jake...stop running.
Jake...no yelling.
Oh, and Jake...thank you for not pulling the fire alarm at play group today.
I thank God that it was a gorgeous day out today. After play group we had a few minutes to enjoy the play ground before it was off to the house for nap for Jake and volunteering at the Walk-a-thon for me.
Who would've thought that helping kids get their shoes on and putting stickers on paper sneakers would be so rewarding. It was an amazing time for me. I was able to hand out TONS of stickers as well as walk around the tennis courts with April. My favourite part? Seeing April interacting with a myriad of different kids and she was just so happy to be there.
Once you have a kid in school you realize that it's hard to let go. It's hard to not wonder every once in a while what it is they are doing at school, what friends they are making, and whether or not they are eating that lunch that you put together that morning. It was nice to have a glimpse into how she is getting along with others and how she interacts.
Second favourite part? Having April's teacher come up and say that she is so impressed with April. She said that April is such a great example for both kids in her own age group as well as kids older than her. She works really hard, loves to learn, is friends with pretty much everyone, and is really good at retaining information. This is really important to me and for more than one reason.
It reassures me that I'm not an awful parent and that I must be doing something right. Maybe it's all the T.V. I let them watch. Maybe it's just that I take an interest in my kids and I love them as best I can. I often get baulked at when I say that I don't feel that my child should be taken out of school for family vacations, but to me, school needs to be a priority. Spending time with family is great and I value family, but I also want to show my kids that their education is important too. I don't have a problem with people that do take their kids out, but it's just not my preference.
Walk-a-thon ended about 1:40 ish and then I had a lovely walk home. Walked in the door and started prepping for supper. 3:00 and the mandatory alarm on my phone reminding me that I have a kid to pick up started serenading me. Off to get April. Phone call comes in from work asking me to come in. Stressing out because there is just no way, and feeling guilty over not being able to help. Hate that because other people are calling in, I'm feeling stressed over something out of my control.
Back home to the kitchen to finish with making supper. Made 2 pots of this beef bean soup and a pot of chicken noodle soup. Felt quite accomplished.
Soup delivered to an ailing friend and then back to feed my kiddos.
One kid devouring dinner and one kid not...no surprises there. Well deserved treats handed out to kid that ate and early bed time for one that didn't.
Then it was time for some Mommy & Daughter time. April has been bugging me to paint her nails for about a month now and I always seem to forget about it. Well...we trimmed everyone's nails at bath time last night so she was not about to let me forget today. Four coats on 20 digits and one headache later, my little princess has her beautiful nails done and then it's time for bed. Well, almost. Kids in bed, but here I sit writing this post out when actually came to the computer to check my bus schedule for my annoyingly early start time of 8:45 tomorrow.
Don't know if I've said this yet (see, blogging like this only 3 days now and can't remember what I write...must be a mombie day), but I work at a Halloween store. Best and worst job ever. A little easier this year as I've learned not to sink my entire pay cheques back into costumes and a little harder because I've had to take on more than anticipated this year. We kind of have this running joke from the time of setting up in Sept. about whether or not it's November yet. Well...it's almost Nov. and I can honestly say I'm SO glad. Just ready to relax a little bit more and reassign that portion of my brain to deal with someone else's stuff.
Ok...I really need to be checking that bus schedule now so I will bid you adieu.
P.S. - May or may not be a post tomorrow as I'm working until 9:15 PM and won't be getting home til around 10.
Is it November yet?! LOL
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Breaking Point
So, I have been faltering big time on my Weight Watchers routine and today I had quite a reality check at my weigh in. I'm just 1.5 lbs. away from being 200 lbs.! This is getting ridiculous! I need to refocus and stay on track for more than 3 days. I can't afford (financially or mentally) to let myself go.
I'm thankful for friends that can pull me back together when I lose it in the Weight Watchers lobby and that can help me out when I feel like I just can't do it any more. Today has been decent as far as my eating goes and I've been making better choices. I even drank some water today (been at least a few days since I've done that!) I just wish it was easy (as I'm sure EVERYONE trying to lose weight does).
I'm trying to figure out what was working before when I lost all the weight, but I haven't quite nailed it down yet. I know that I NEED to drink more water DAILY and not just once in a while. I know that I need to move more. I know that I need to bring my lunch to work at the store and not just eat whatever the boss man buys for that day. I can't let myself give up so easily.
As a mom, I find that my children can be a great motivator to get healthy, but as a catch 22, they can also be the reason I'm too stressed & busy to take care of me. My leader asked me today what was making life so busy. When I tried to come up with an answer I was kind of at a loss. Why does my life seem so busy and yet I do nothing all day (or at least feel like I've done nothing)? Being busy is an excuse that I know people will accept because everyone is so busy these days. I think that I'm really only busy on the weekends when I'm working long days. This means Daddy is in charge which means happy kids, but a messy house. This depresses me and sucks the life right out of me. I'm one of those people whose mental state is GREATLY effected by the state of their house. Messy house, messy brain.
When the house gets messy or even overly cluttered I find myself feeling claustrophobic and resentful. This stirs up all kinds of other things I'm resentful towards. In turn, I become stressed, and when I'm stressed I eat. I don't just eat a chocolate bar and feel better either. I'm a binge eater. I can EASILY eat an entire 9" double layer cake in a sitting! Or, if in the wrong mood, an entire jar of peanut butter. I wish this wasn't part of who I am and I wish I could better control it, but 30 years of a habit is hard to break.
I think that blogging has helped me a bit if only in allowing me to get stuff out of my head and free up my mind to focus on the other millions of things I need to focus on.
Anyone else get really annoyed about having to make EVERY decision for EVERY person in your family? We don't have Mommy brain, we simply have NO MORE ROOM TO FIT ANYTHING ELSE IN OUR BRAIN!!! Some days I feel like my brain is going to just pack its bags and leave. Other days, I feel like it already has LOL.
Jake's nap is over now so it's back to reality for this Mom. Until next time...
I'm thankful for friends that can pull me back together when I lose it in the Weight Watchers lobby and that can help me out when I feel like I just can't do it any more. Today has been decent as far as my eating goes and I've been making better choices. I even drank some water today (been at least a few days since I've done that!) I just wish it was easy (as I'm sure EVERYONE trying to lose weight does).
I'm trying to figure out what was working before when I lost all the weight, but I haven't quite nailed it down yet. I know that I NEED to drink more water DAILY and not just once in a while. I know that I need to move more. I know that I need to bring my lunch to work at the store and not just eat whatever the boss man buys for that day. I can't let myself give up so easily.
As a mom, I find that my children can be a great motivator to get healthy, but as a catch 22, they can also be the reason I'm too stressed & busy to take care of me. My leader asked me today what was making life so busy. When I tried to come up with an answer I was kind of at a loss. Why does my life seem so busy and yet I do nothing all day (or at least feel like I've done nothing)? Being busy is an excuse that I know people will accept because everyone is so busy these days. I think that I'm really only busy on the weekends when I'm working long days. This means Daddy is in charge which means happy kids, but a messy house. This depresses me and sucks the life right out of me. I'm one of those people whose mental state is GREATLY effected by the state of their house. Messy house, messy brain.
When the house gets messy or even overly cluttered I find myself feeling claustrophobic and resentful. This stirs up all kinds of other things I'm resentful towards. In turn, I become stressed, and when I'm stressed I eat. I don't just eat a chocolate bar and feel better either. I'm a binge eater. I can EASILY eat an entire 9" double layer cake in a sitting! Or, if in the wrong mood, an entire jar of peanut butter. I wish this wasn't part of who I am and I wish I could better control it, but 30 years of a habit is hard to break.
I think that blogging has helped me a bit if only in allowing me to get stuff out of my head and free up my mind to focus on the other millions of things I need to focus on.
Anyone else get really annoyed about having to make EVERY decision for EVERY person in your family? We don't have Mommy brain, we simply have NO MORE ROOM TO FIT ANYTHING ELSE IN OUR BRAIN!!! Some days I feel like my brain is going to just pack its bags and leave. Other days, I feel like it already has LOL.
Jake's nap is over now so it's back to reality for this Mom. Until next time...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Hump Day Slump Day
I hate Wednesdays (or 2nd Mondays as I like to call them) almost as much as I hate Mondays. I often find myself crying inside at the idea that the week is only half over. Really? It hasn't been a whole 5 days yet? I wish that there was a balance in life. When I look at things week to week it seems to be drudging on and taking forever for anything to happen, but then I look at the grand scheme of things and I find myself scrambling to enjoy the moments when my "babies" are still babies.
I think today I want to talk about coffee. Those that know me know that I have a self professed problem with coffee. I love it and hate it all at once. Coffee helps with things from regularity to motivation and that is why I love it. I hate it because I do have to rely on it so much more than I'd like to. If I don't have a coffee in the morning I am often short tempered, lethargic, and have that "why bother" attitude all day. The days, however, when I do have coffee I find that I can convince myself to get more done. Take for example today. I had 2 servings of coffee (one good one and one that was just...meh). In direct correlation, I also managed to make another large dent in the photographing and posting of the insane amount of children's toys I have. I find this to be such a daunting task as I'm such a sentimental person, but yet a sane one too!
Sane side of me thinks, "Hey, lets either just get rid of everything and start fresh or super organize everything so stuff is easy to keep in its place and pieces don't get lost." The sentimental side says, "We can't get rid of this half broken toy because Jake looked at it so cutely that one time 2 years ago!" LOL Sometimes I hate sentimental me (and frankly, so does my closet!)
Then, when I think, "Hey, I'll sell Alphie." suddenly Jake takes a shining to him even though he hasn't played with him in a year and then I get the reminder of why I bought him (educational toys rock!) as well as why it is I want him to be sold (annoying voice and lots of cards to pick up OVER AND OVER!!) Starting to really wonder about why I bought them Furbys for Christmas this year.
Then I sit here to write on my blog and think, hmmm...I really should be doing the dishes or something. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's a load of laundry in the washer and dryer that could be dealt with too. Grumble Grumble. Where's my coffee? HA.
Children's programming...love it or hate it? I really enjoy certain shows. A few of my favourites are Wild Kratts and Octonauts. I really love the integration of learning as well as the switching between real life images and animated characters. I love when my kids really want to learn about things. It makes me happy and gives me hope for their futures.
Well...overall, I don't feel like giving up on the day so that's a nice bonus. Plus, I already have supper all put together. It just needs to go into the oven in about 30 minutes.
Mommy brain, let's talk about that for a while. You know your brain cells have moved on when your 4 yr. old can finish your sentences with those words that just seem to be eluding you at the moment. In fact it's SO frustrating to not be able to pull that word you are looking for out of the air and even MORE frustrating to have someone else pull it for you! Google Calendar & Phone Alarms are the ONLY way that I don't forget to celebrate my own childrens' birthdays or to pick them up off the bus. *sigh*
I have been trying to do at least 1 or 2 Sudoku puzzles daily just to keep my mind active and boy do I SUCK at them! I used to be able to do the harder ones in about 5 minutes, but now I'm working on mediums and they are taking me 20 min. of solid working to get them. Man my brain is fried! In the spirit of Halloween, I think I'm turning into a Mombie! LOL.
There's the phone alarm reminding me to get April off the bus. Thank God for modern technology, and God forbid I ever lose my phone LOL. Enjoy your day and may it be a productive 2nd Monday! LOL
I think today I want to talk about coffee. Those that know me know that I have a self professed problem with coffee. I love it and hate it all at once. Coffee helps with things from regularity to motivation and that is why I love it. I hate it because I do have to rely on it so much more than I'd like to. If I don't have a coffee in the morning I am often short tempered, lethargic, and have that "why bother" attitude all day. The days, however, when I do have coffee I find that I can convince myself to get more done. Take for example today. I had 2 servings of coffee (one good one and one that was just...meh). In direct correlation, I also managed to make another large dent in the photographing and posting of the insane amount of children's toys I have. I find this to be such a daunting task as I'm such a sentimental person, but yet a sane one too!
Sane side of me thinks, "Hey, lets either just get rid of everything and start fresh or super organize everything so stuff is easy to keep in its place and pieces don't get lost." The sentimental side says, "We can't get rid of this half broken toy because Jake looked at it so cutely that one time 2 years ago!" LOL Sometimes I hate sentimental me (and frankly, so does my closet!)
Then, when I think, "Hey, I'll sell Alphie." suddenly Jake takes a shining to him even though he hasn't played with him in a year and then I get the reminder of why I bought him (educational toys rock!) as well as why it is I want him to be sold (annoying voice and lots of cards to pick up OVER AND OVER!!) Starting to really wonder about why I bought them Furbys for Christmas this year.
Then I sit here to write on my blog and think, hmmm...I really should be doing the dishes or something. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's a load of laundry in the washer and dryer that could be dealt with too. Grumble Grumble. Where's my coffee? HA.
Children's programming...love it or hate it? I really enjoy certain shows. A few of my favourites are Wild Kratts and Octonauts. I really love the integration of learning as well as the switching between real life images and animated characters. I love when my kids really want to learn about things. It makes me happy and gives me hope for their futures.
Well...overall, I don't feel like giving up on the day so that's a nice bonus. Plus, I already have supper all put together. It just needs to go into the oven in about 30 minutes.
Mommy brain, let's talk about that for a while. You know your brain cells have moved on when your 4 yr. old can finish your sentences with those words that just seem to be eluding you at the moment. In fact it's SO frustrating to not be able to pull that word you are looking for out of the air and even MORE frustrating to have someone else pull it for you! Google Calendar & Phone Alarms are the ONLY way that I don't forget to celebrate my own childrens' birthdays or to pick them up off the bus. *sigh*
I have been trying to do at least 1 or 2 Sudoku puzzles daily just to keep my mind active and boy do I SUCK at them! I used to be able to do the harder ones in about 5 minutes, but now I'm working on mediums and they are taking me 20 min. of solid working to get them. Man my brain is fried! In the spirit of Halloween, I think I'm turning into a Mombie! LOL.
There's the phone alarm reminding me to get April off the bus. Thank God for modern technology, and God forbid I ever lose my phone LOL. Enjoy your day and may it be a productive 2nd Monday! LOL
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Getting to Know Benjiesluv
I am not perfect. I am not even close. I'm a mom and that is about as far as my identity goes these days. My life consists of waking up, getting my oldest fed, clothed, and on the bus on time with a lunch and two snacks in tow as well as keeping my son sufficiently entertained simultaneously. Many moms are in the same boat. It sucks. I'm not going to lie to you. There are days that go more smoothly than others, but for the most part, they still suck.
I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to run my own B&B or learn to be a pastry chef or study culinary arts, but instead I took business administration and then moved to a part of Canada where the Spanish I learned as an American is not really all that useful. I found it difficult to find work in a business field where French is the major language used. I would get interviews and even get feedback that the company really liked me, but they always hired the other person that spoke French that they liked a little less.
I was lucky enough, through holding several different jobs, to find out that I don't enjoy managerial positions. So what good is my degree really? I could be a glorified secretary...if I could speak French that is. I just feel really lost as a person these days. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING because it is ALL so mundane. How many times can you do the dishes or sweep the same kitchen floor before you go insane? I think my limit is 2...LOL...sob.
I find that my lack of motivation is directly derived from my lack of self. If I just had a goal in life or something that I could really look forward to in the short term then maybe I'd see reason to keep going. Today was one of those days where I could've just stayed in bed and never got up. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and then, when I woke up, I just wanted to sleep some more.
I managed to muster up enough energy to properly bathe my children and read them several books instead of spending yet another evening in front of the television watching mindless episodes of SpongeBob or BubbleGuppies (what is with kids shows and underwater creatures?) I guess that is a win.
I also managed to teach my kids about mummies in Ancient Egypt and how they were processed and entombed. Very interesting stuff. I had a great time teaching them and for a split second I thought, "Man, this is really cool. I could totally home school my kids." Then they would fight over who got to click the mouse to activate the interactive brain scraping nose hook for the mummy and I'd snap right back to my lack of patience reality.
There are many little blessings that I need to stop and reflect on in my life every once in a while. My kids are healthy, active, and inquisitive children that love singing, reading, and just being kids. I have a spouse that is there for me when I need him most, even if I do have to give him step by step instructions on things sometimes. He's willing to work with me to get stuff done and hasn't left me when the bad times turn worse.
It's hard to maintain positivity in life sometimes. I find that my brain is forced to do thinking for 4 people at any given time, and while I'm at work that number can be even greater (another reason I don't like managerial positions). I wish I could know with certainty that there would come a point where I no longer have to think for anyone but myself, however, I feel that the losses I would suffer for this to come to fruition would be far too great. It would mean that all of my family was gone and I was left alone. Not a great trade off if I do say so myself.
One time, when out at Starbucks with a group of ladies I know from church, my friend Sally offered up the question of, "When the kids are all grown up, and you don't have to worry so much about taking care of them, what would you like to do with your life?" I had a really hard time answering this question. I have always wanted to learn to be a chef, but would I want to go to school and take on more debt to do so? Not likely.
Sometimes I feel like I'm chronically lazy. Like I just don't want to put effort into things so I don't even bother trying them. On the other end of the spectrum, I have this tendency to go gung ho on something for a short burst and then give up on it. Mother's day 2011, I made the decision that my husband was getting me Cake Decorating courses as my gift. Yes, I had to decide what my own gift would be. Anyway, I went to this course and enjoyed it quite well. I had a great time and signed up for a fondant class next. Also had a great time in that course too! I think I spent well over $300 on equipment and such for these courses and then, when I started working on cakes, I found it to be too time consuming and too overwhelming. Lazy.
Fast forward to present day...
It's now October 23rd, 2012 and approximately 3 weeks from my youngest's 3rd birthday. He is finally getting the hang of the potty training we've been working months on and is really showing great potential for learning. He is a SMART boy! I find myself really looking forward to him starting school next September, but at the same time, he's my baby...how come this time went by so quickly and I forgot to be in the moment? Why?
My husband and I have been toying with the idea of having more children. This happens everytime we know someone who has recently had a child or is currently pregnant. I think my only saving grace is that I did NOT enjoy being pregnant. I was an obese girl just getting bigger and my body was rebelling against everything. I hated my life, my situation, and pretty much everything. After having my second child I decided I was done having kids so I could lose the weight I'd been carrying for the 5 years prior. I went all out and joined Weight Watchers. I lost an amazing 83 lbs.!
Today, I am lucky to get through a day staying on plan and tracking all my points. I have put on about 30 lbs. since I had hit goal at Weight Watchers and I have reverted back to emotional eating. The worst part is that it's now become more cyclical emotional eating. I eat cause I'm sad, angry, or stressed (which is pretty much all the time) and then because I do this binging (usually on sweets of some sort) I get more depressed and angry and it just makes me want to eat even more.
I have only 1 or 2 pairs of jeans that fit anymore and my size 10 pants are now back up to 14's. I've tried "rebooting" several times and I usually will make it only about a week on track until something will mess it up. Then I got it into my head that I should just get pregnant again since I'm already over weight again and then restart the cycle of being done having kids and losing weight. Great idea right? Well, luckily my head cleared up and I realized all the down sides of having another.
When talking with friends I've often said that I can list a number of reasons why I SHOULDN'T have more kids and maybe only 1 or 2 reasons why I SHOULD. I guess I just feel in my heart that I'm not done even though my head says, "Why on EARTH would you want another one?!" My good friend Bonnie gave me great advice when I talked these feelings out with her once. She said, "Why not take a year for yourself?" Best advice EVER!
Suddenly I have a short term goal. I just have to make it until Sept. 2013 when Jake starts school. I can do that. Then I can focus on me. I can get my weight back in control, go to the gym regularly without having to get babysitting, I can make cakes without the guilt of ignoring my kids all day to do so, and I could even pick up some extra work hours to be able to pay off some of my debt. Finally, I will be able to take care of me. Then I wonder, what if I do great taking care of me for like a month or so and then I get bored of me? What then? Maybe I will have figured out what I want to be "when I grow up" or maybe not. It'd be nice for the house to be cleaned regularly, unless I get lazy and give up. What if the kids being around isn't really the problem? I'm afraid I'll find out it's just me. That scares me!
I hope that I'm not alone in these feelings and I hope that my gut is wrong in thinking this way, but who knows? This post is VERY lengthy and all over the place, and you know what? I'm not going to even apologize for it 'cause that's exactly how my brain flowed. Stream of conciousness?? More like puddle jumping in my head. Until next time...
I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to run my own B&B or learn to be a pastry chef or study culinary arts, but instead I took business administration and then moved to a part of Canada where the Spanish I learned as an American is not really all that useful. I found it difficult to find work in a business field where French is the major language used. I would get interviews and even get feedback that the company really liked me, but they always hired the other person that spoke French that they liked a little less.
I was lucky enough, through holding several different jobs, to find out that I don't enjoy managerial positions. So what good is my degree really? I could be a glorified secretary...if I could speak French that is. I just feel really lost as a person these days. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING because it is ALL so mundane. How many times can you do the dishes or sweep the same kitchen floor before you go insane? I think my limit is 2...LOL...sob.
I find that my lack of motivation is directly derived from my lack of self. If I just had a goal in life or something that I could really look forward to in the short term then maybe I'd see reason to keep going. Today was one of those days where I could've just stayed in bed and never got up. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and then, when I woke up, I just wanted to sleep some more.
I managed to muster up enough energy to properly bathe my children and read them several books instead of spending yet another evening in front of the television watching mindless episodes of SpongeBob or BubbleGuppies (what is with kids shows and underwater creatures?) I guess that is a win.
I also managed to teach my kids about mummies in Ancient Egypt and how they were processed and entombed. Very interesting stuff. I had a great time teaching them and for a split second I thought, "Man, this is really cool. I could totally home school my kids." Then they would fight over who got to click the mouse to activate the interactive brain scraping nose hook for the mummy and I'd snap right back to my lack of patience reality.
There are many little blessings that I need to stop and reflect on in my life every once in a while. My kids are healthy, active, and inquisitive children that love singing, reading, and just being kids. I have a spouse that is there for me when I need him most, even if I do have to give him step by step instructions on things sometimes. He's willing to work with me to get stuff done and hasn't left me when the bad times turn worse.
It's hard to maintain positivity in life sometimes. I find that my brain is forced to do thinking for 4 people at any given time, and while I'm at work that number can be even greater (another reason I don't like managerial positions). I wish I could know with certainty that there would come a point where I no longer have to think for anyone but myself, however, I feel that the losses I would suffer for this to come to fruition would be far too great. It would mean that all of my family was gone and I was left alone. Not a great trade off if I do say so myself.
One time, when out at Starbucks with a group of ladies I know from church, my friend Sally offered up the question of, "When the kids are all grown up, and you don't have to worry so much about taking care of them, what would you like to do with your life?" I had a really hard time answering this question. I have always wanted to learn to be a chef, but would I want to go to school and take on more debt to do so? Not likely.
Sometimes I feel like I'm chronically lazy. Like I just don't want to put effort into things so I don't even bother trying them. On the other end of the spectrum, I have this tendency to go gung ho on something for a short burst and then give up on it. Mother's day 2011, I made the decision that my husband was getting me Cake Decorating courses as my gift. Yes, I had to decide what my own gift would be. Anyway, I went to this course and enjoyed it quite well. I had a great time and signed up for a fondant class next. Also had a great time in that course too! I think I spent well over $300 on equipment and such for these courses and then, when I started working on cakes, I found it to be too time consuming and too overwhelming. Lazy.
Fast forward to present day...
It's now October 23rd, 2012 and approximately 3 weeks from my youngest's 3rd birthday. He is finally getting the hang of the potty training we've been working months on and is really showing great potential for learning. He is a SMART boy! I find myself really looking forward to him starting school next September, but at the same time, he's my baby...how come this time went by so quickly and I forgot to be in the moment? Why?
My husband and I have been toying with the idea of having more children. This happens everytime we know someone who has recently had a child or is currently pregnant. I think my only saving grace is that I did NOT enjoy being pregnant. I was an obese girl just getting bigger and my body was rebelling against everything. I hated my life, my situation, and pretty much everything. After having my second child I decided I was done having kids so I could lose the weight I'd been carrying for the 5 years prior. I went all out and joined Weight Watchers. I lost an amazing 83 lbs.!
Today, I am lucky to get through a day staying on plan and tracking all my points. I have put on about 30 lbs. since I had hit goal at Weight Watchers and I have reverted back to emotional eating. The worst part is that it's now become more cyclical emotional eating. I eat cause I'm sad, angry, or stressed (which is pretty much all the time) and then because I do this binging (usually on sweets of some sort) I get more depressed and angry and it just makes me want to eat even more.
I have only 1 or 2 pairs of jeans that fit anymore and my size 10 pants are now back up to 14's. I've tried "rebooting" several times and I usually will make it only about a week on track until something will mess it up. Then I got it into my head that I should just get pregnant again since I'm already over weight again and then restart the cycle of being done having kids and losing weight. Great idea right? Well, luckily my head cleared up and I realized all the down sides of having another.
When talking with friends I've often said that I can list a number of reasons why I SHOULDN'T have more kids and maybe only 1 or 2 reasons why I SHOULD. I guess I just feel in my heart that I'm not done even though my head says, "Why on EARTH would you want another one?!" My good friend Bonnie gave me great advice when I talked these feelings out with her once. She said, "Why not take a year for yourself?" Best advice EVER!
Suddenly I have a short term goal. I just have to make it until Sept. 2013 when Jake starts school. I can do that. Then I can focus on me. I can get my weight back in control, go to the gym regularly without having to get babysitting, I can make cakes without the guilt of ignoring my kids all day to do so, and I could even pick up some extra work hours to be able to pay off some of my debt. Finally, I will be able to take care of me. Then I wonder, what if I do great taking care of me for like a month or so and then I get bored of me? What then? Maybe I will have figured out what I want to be "when I grow up" or maybe not. It'd be nice for the house to be cleaned regularly, unless I get lazy and give up. What if the kids being around isn't really the problem? I'm afraid I'll find out it's just me. That scares me!
I hope that I'm not alone in these feelings and I hope that my gut is wrong in thinking this way, but who knows? This post is VERY lengthy and all over the place, and you know what? I'm not going to even apologize for it 'cause that's exactly how my brain flowed. Stream of conciousness?? More like puddle jumping in my head. Until next time...
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